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Jokes of the Day

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s 4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

 

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

 

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$27,000.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

 

“The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.” “Done”, replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan works.   

 

 

 

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'.

I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

 

 

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack  while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

 

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. “Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

 

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

 

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

 

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

 

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, “I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun.”

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

 

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

 

 

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota  which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.  The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.  The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’

 

 ‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 

 

 

 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet  and after awhile they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom,  the other the groom broom.

 

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!’

 

 ‘Impossible!’ said the groom broom. ‘We haven’t even swept together!’  

 

 

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

 

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

 

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

 

 The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

 

 

 

The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...

“May I ask what the chicken did.”

 

 

A few minutes before the church services started,  the congregation members were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods’ ultimate enemy was in his presence...

 

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

 

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

 

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

 

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

 

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

 

The man calmly replied, ’Been married to your sister for 48 years. ‘

 

 

 

Unusual Dictionary Terms

 

Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

 

Anti-boyotics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

 

Menicillin

Potent anti-boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?”

 

Buyagra

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

 

JackAsspirin

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your anniversary or phone number.

 

Anti-talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

 

Damitol

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to he-- for up to 8 hours.

 

 

 

A New Password

 

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password...

USER: “cabbage”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.